Deep Breaths

Sometimes I find myself needing to stop, and take a deep breath, and to remind myself that I am still me.

I am still me in there. Somewhere. Somewhere underneath the angry mom voice, the snot cleaning, the butt wiping, the refereeing, the breast feeding, the toddler feeding (or failure of)...  And it is in these moments of all three children crying at me for whatever reason, that I need to stop. To slow down the chaos in my head that all of them needing something from me at the exact same time creates. When I am overrun by the feeling of becoming the cranky, frumpy, yelling, angry mom, I need to stop. And remember that I am still me.

I adore these boys. I adore that I get to hang out with them all day, I would be beyond jealous if anyone else got to. I adore and admire how Will is the biggest sweetheart I have ever met, and despite how emotional he can be, I know he gets that from me, because he comes and strokes my face softly when I am sad and emotional. I adore how Sam is still such a squishy little cuddler, my own personal teddy bear. And I adore how Ben gazes at me while he nurses and if I look back he loses focus on the task at hand and just smiles and giggles at me. Things take much longer to accomplish but goodness I wouldn't have it any other way. I have time.

I have become a mother, yes, right down to the deepest and darkest parts of my soul. And I so love it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. But I have to remind myself that I am still me in there. I still have my own personality. I can still be funny and silly and just as goofy as these hilarious boys of mine. I do not just need to only be stressed and worried and frazzled about my kids all the time, about getting things done, about schedules and eating and sleeping and cleaning. I am allowed to have other thoughts creep into my mind. I am still allowed to have my own interests that don't have to revolve around what's the next activity to do to keep my children busy.

And if some days the tv is on more than it should be, if Cinderella runs through a second time (goodness they love Cinderella), so I have a bit more opportunity to do something I want to do, to sit, to read, to journal, to drink my coffee while it's still hot... That's ok. And I don't need to beat myself up or wallow in guilt over that.
Because I'm allowed to still be me.

A Confession: I have a (little) dream

Am I allowed to have dreams and aspirations as a mama? It almost feels like during these young years of my children's life I shouldn't.

But I do.

I have been knitting. And knitting. And knitting. And people tell me I should sell some of my stuff, and here's my confession:

I want to.

First of all, I really enjoy doing it. Second of all, it's not exactly a cheap hobby and would be nice if it started paying back even a little. And third, it appears my living room is starting to drown under pom pom toques that really deserve a home.

I have been struggling however with mixed feelings on the whole endeavor. Do I really have enough time to do this? What if I invest a bunch of time and money and nothing really comes of it? (I guess in that case everyone can just expect knitwear gifts from me for the next 20 years). Should I be dedicating this time to my family instead?

I'm feeling it hard as a mama to know how much time to give to myself. You're told it's important to do. You yearn for it. But the other day I got out of the house for an hour to go to Starbucks to enjoy a coffee and work on some patterns, and pretty much as soon as I sat down with my pumpkin spice latte, I missed my boys. I missed my husband. The freedom felt nice yes, but at the same time I missed my men. Talk about inner conflict.

They clearly suffer without me. 

Keith sent me this adorable picture of Sam while they were at the park and I was enjoying alone-coffee-time. How am I not supposed to miss them?!

All the same though, I would like to try this little dream of mine on for size. It appears to have become a little passion project of mine, and nothing beats doing something for the joy of doing it right? I'm gladly taking all knitting requests (littlespruceknits@gmail.com) and hope to officially open little spruce knits ↟ on etsy soon!
 

Shameless plug: you can keep up with my knitting adventure pictures on Instagram @littlespruceknits

stay warm. stay cozy.

xx

Anna