Summer #3

This is the third summer now of moving back and forth. Living in sparsely furnished houses, without the vast majority of our own things. I don't have anything new to say about it really. A new city to explore this year which I am stubbornly resisting learning how to navigate. The usual.

I feel the more children I have and the more often I go through this the less energy I have to care, or to put into trying new things. It's a terrible attitude, I'm well aware. But I am a home body. I am a creature of habit if there ever was one. I like routine. I like the same places and the same things. I like knowing what I'm doing and being comfortable doing it. I like being home. I like knowing where all my stuff is, and the days of having all our own things readily available, building flowerbeds and gardens and driveways and horse sheds seem far behind us.

I sound awful boring, don't worry, I'm well aware. 

The kids of course adjust much better than myself. Give them some room outside to play, some goldfish crackers, and some Paw Patrol and I'm pretty sure they'd happily live anywhere. We have a little 5$ blowup pool from walmart that they happily splash in all afternoon long, they don't need much, despite me sitting here looking at play structures and swing sets on pinterest. I hope I'm doing alright with them. I do try now and then, I really do. They seem pretty happy most of the times anyway.

Birthday "happy cakes" to celebrate our William

I sit and dream sometimes of things we will do when "real life" starts, and I need to slow down and remind myself that this is real life. Right now. The babies are growing and football is exciting and these moment won't happen again. Days filled with land developing and fence building and flower bed tending, they'll happen again.

Deep Breaths

Sometimes I find myself needing to stop, and take a deep breath, and to remind myself that I am still me.

I am still me in there. Somewhere. Somewhere underneath the angry mom voice, the snot cleaning, the butt wiping, the refereeing, the breast feeding, the toddler feeding (or failure of)...  And it is in these moments of all three children crying at me for whatever reason, that I need to stop. To slow down the chaos in my head that all of them needing something from me at the exact same time creates. When I am overrun by the feeling of becoming the cranky, frumpy, yelling, angry mom, I need to stop. And remember that I am still me.

I adore these boys. I adore that I get to hang out with them all day, I would be beyond jealous if anyone else got to. I adore and admire how Will is the biggest sweetheart I have ever met, and despite how emotional he can be, I know he gets that from me, because he comes and strokes my face softly when I am sad and emotional. I adore how Sam is still such a squishy little cuddler, my own personal teddy bear. And I adore how Ben gazes at me while he nurses and if I look back he loses focus on the task at hand and just smiles and giggles at me. Things take much longer to accomplish but goodness I wouldn't have it any other way. I have time.

I have become a mother, yes, right down to the deepest and darkest parts of my soul. And I so love it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. But I have to remind myself that I am still me in there. I still have my own personality. I can still be funny and silly and just as goofy as these hilarious boys of mine. I do not just need to only be stressed and worried and frazzled about my kids all the time, about getting things done, about schedules and eating and sleeping and cleaning. I am allowed to have other thoughts creep into my mind. I am still allowed to have my own interests that don't have to revolve around what's the next activity to do to keep my children busy.

And if some days the tv is on more than it should be, if Cinderella runs through a second time (goodness they love Cinderella), so I have a bit more opportunity to do something I want to do, to sit, to read, to journal, to drink my coffee while it's still hot... That's ok. And I don't need to beat myself up or wallow in guilt over that.
Because I'm allowed to still be me.

I Wish

Things I wish I were doing right now:

1. Swimming
2. Doing some wood work projects I have in mind
3. Painting some things for the kids room
4. Riding my horse
5. Eating war wonton soup at Lang's in Regina with Keith
6. Sitting with my dogs in the horse pasture
7. Taking pictures by the dug out in evening light

Sometimes being pregnant is hard. Sometimes being pregnant with a child who doesn't walk yet is even harder. And this week especially it's been hard living in a temporary home. Projects float through my mind but with no promise of when they'll be fulfilled they drift out again, until slowly they drift in less and less and I'm left sitting here twiddling my thumbs. Playing the same songs on the guitar that I'm sure Will has become sick of hearing over and over. I was depressed to realize last week that I haven't even dreamt of our future home, since we don't know when or where exactly it's going to happen. And tonight as I sit here alone, and Keith sits in Regina at Lang's (our favorite little Vietnamese place) alone with a bowl of war wonton soup, I'm feeling a little mopey and sad.

Earlier this week on our walk Will and I sat by the river for a while to watch a canoeing class.

Life is pretty good.

random summer/fall 2013

Life, believe, is not a dream
-Charlotte Bronte

 Building a bookshelf the week before Will was born.

Fresh treats.

Saskatchewan summer skies.

One of Will's many "impressed" faces.

Baby's breath and lavender from my flower bed.

Our niece Faith.

Nova.

Will.

Eyes are the window to the soul. Cello.

Our neighbor's yearling.

Nap time with Dad.

Whenever it gets cold I like to look at pictures from the summer to remind myself of greener times. Not to mention I've been working on family yearbooks (my plan is to make a photobook every year with my favorite pictures from throughout the year and call it our "yearbook") and the majority of my pictures are taken when the weather is nice out. Funny how that works.

This summer and fall have seemed to fly by. Will is over three months old now and I'm not quite sure where the time has gone. We've been so busy with company and appointments it seems like getting things done that don't pertain to the baby are major achievements for me. I finally got around to building a little console table during nap times and even though it's not my best work I must say I'm just a little impressed that I was able to pull it off at all. Keith has been wonderful, and often on nice afternoons takes Will from me and kicks me outside to play with the horses. Which no matter what mood I'm in I come back happy.

Winter is fast approaching. The garden has been taken out. The hoses drained and hung. Heater put in the trough. Oil changed in the tractor. Straw put in the doghouses. Nova is fluffy again. The horses are fuzzy and are now full time open to the back pasture. We hope they will be able to winter graze back there till January before we need to give them hay, but we'll see how the weather cooperates. Keith is of course the one to credit for the vast majority of winter preparation. We now have a dusting of snow on the ground and yesterday morning it was -15C. Thinking back to last year's awfulness we're doing quite good so far.

Life has seemed so busy. Quiet yet busy. However that makes sense.

I just need to make sure I remember to take pictures. 
 

The Laryngitis

This week I've been sick with the laryngitis. Yes. THE laryngitis. I've decided it needs a the. So instead of talking, I'm typing up a blog. Because it seems the more I try to use my poor infected vocal chords, the slower they heal. I started my descent into croaks-ville on Friday night, had the most terrible fever over the weekend, and now have this lingering croak, which when irritated sends me into awful coughing fits where I die (a little. Every time.).
This is now day three of not being able to work (I went for a few hours yesterday to do paperwork and spent the rest of the day with a nasty and groggy headache). I haven't taken longer than three days to get over anything since I've started working. So this is quite the adjustment.

The problem is, that if I lay here, and rest, and don't talk, I feel relatively decent. So of course that sends me up to go do things. Like try to clean the house (another one of yesterday's attempts), during which I hack up a lung and come out with a terrible headache.

Now usually, I just get tonsitilis. Which I can actually get pills for. But for this stupid viral thing the doctor told me I'll just have to wait it out. Which I took as wait out a common cold, I'll be fine in a couple days, let it run it's course. I thought he was crazy when he offered me a note to be off work for the week (because all I do in my job is talk), "noooo no, I'll be fine" thinking - couple days I'll be up and at em... And now we're into day three (technically day 5) and I'm feeling like an idiot now.

Ah well. I guess blogging is a nice activity that can keep me in bed and not use my vocal chords.

We are still sans-internet so still no pictures to be put up, boo. But lots has been going on. We've been busy trying to set up our little house to feel homey. We finally found nice gently used couches, and I even build a shelf for the entry to hang our coats on. I was all excited to start decorating for Christmas but then I realized that I don't really have anything to put decorations on. No bookshelves. No mantle, no coffee table, no any kind of surfaces. So maybe things will have to wait a bit this year. Which is ok too. Hopefully we have many lovely Christmases in this house :)

I think that's about it for me now. The laryngitis wants to take a nap and I'm going to try my best to do what it says and see if that pleases it enough to go away!